Empathy: The Key Trait that Many Leaders Misunderstand

Have you ever wondered why some managers can't get along with their teams? Or did you see a manager who miscommunicated with those around him? You may be a leader, and you notice that you are getting separated from your team little by little. So, what can you do about it?

You've probably heard this advice over and over again: Show more empathy.

Although empathy is considered by many to be an essential human quality, it is still missing in our daily lives. Many confuse sympathy with pity. Although these two qualities are certainly related, the key to showing empathy is knowing the difference between them.

According to Merriam-Webster, empathy is “the feeling that you understand and feel the emotions of others.” While  pity involves feeling sorry for someone, empathy requires more than that, and as a result, it lasts longer.

Imagine that one of your colleagues is going through a difficult situation like losing a loved one in an accident. It would be normal for you to feel sorry for them. You might send them a message with your condolences or express your feelings in some way, but you will most likely continue to live normally.

But when we empathize with this person, we take more time to remember how we felt when we lost someone dear to us, or how we would feel if we have not gone through that experience yet. Also,  we think about how this affected our work and our relationships with others, and we try to imagine specifically how our colleague feels in this position.

The problem is that we crave the sympathy of others when we are not ready to do the same for them. We see the effects of this every day in the form of failed marriages, strained parent-child relationships, and deteriorating communication in the workplace. Therefore, if a leader can show true empathy to the team members, it will encourage them to work at their best performance. In addition, it may inspire team members to show empathy for each other and for their leader as well. Empathy begets empathy.

How do you make your company's leaders and employees more empathetic, then?

• If you're a manager, the next time an employee comes to you with a problem or complaint, don't show them that you don't care about what they have to say. Try to remember a time when you had a similar problem. If you haven't experienced anything similar before, remember someone you care about who has been in the same situation and ask yourself: Why does this person feel this way? And what can I do to improve the situation?
• If a particular task or process is causing problems, try to get along with the disgruntled employee to better understand their point of view. Showing empathy in this way may take some time, but you will motivate the person you are trying to help, as well as benefit your relationship with those around you at work.
• If you are an employee and feel that your manager is behaving irrationally, try to understand why. The boss may be under too much pressure, or there may be a problem at home, or many other possibilities.

Simply put, empathy begins with assuming the goodwill of others.

I once deliberately demonstrated the value of sympathy firsthand. Back then, I had been working for several years in the same organization, and my fiancée was German, so we were trying to decide where we would live when we started our new life after marriage.

At the time, the company I worked for announced that it would be reducing the number of employees, and management was recommending me for a new position. My fiancée and I decided that if I got this position, she would come to live in New York, and if not, I would move to Germany.

The management told me that it would inform me of the decision within four to six weeks. Six weeks passed, and then seven, eight, and nine, and I did not hear any news. The problem was that the wedding date was approaching, and I did not know what to do. I needed to know for sure.

After trying to get the information through HR, I decided to go a different route, emailing directly Mr. Pierce, the executive board member who was chief of staff (whom I had never met).

Our organization had about 6000 employees at the time, so I wasn't sure if he'd see my email, or if it would still be locked in his inbox, but I was traveling to Germany to see my fiancée in a few days, and I was hoping to have some information to tell her.

After two months of anticipation, and only two days after my email was sent, Mr. Pierce read it, and there was a reply from the management that I would take the new position. Less than 12 hours later, my fiancée and I were planning our new life together in New York.

Mr. Pierce passed away a few months later, and my agency issued the following statement:

“Mr. Pierce served on various committees. His organizational responsibilities required him to travel a lot, and with his workload, he was known for never being distracted from listening to those in need of help or advice, and he comforted others with his warm smile and jovial spirit. As his closest partners noted, people from all backgrounds and cultures were automatically drawn to him.”

When Mr. Pierce read my letter years ago, he was not reading a random request from a junior manager. He was reading my deepest fears and feelings, and as important as the problem was to me, it was also to him. He felt my pain in his heart.

Empathy makes working with others easier by helping us to be flexible and compassionate, and it makes us more human in the eyes of others. The next time you realize that the relationship between you and a colleague is not what you want, take the time to show some empathy; This may be all the other person needs, and what you will need one day as well.