How Does Emotional Intelligence Help You Work with People You Don’t Like?

One of the biggest challenges you face when you have to work alongside people with diverse experiences - which is a great perk in the workplace - is working with someone who has a completely different style than yours. The  first and most important step in working effectively with everyone is to change mindset and believe in the principle of apatheia.

Apatheia، which must not be confused with indifference، is to pay appropriate attention to what is going on around you, without allowing external events to affect you inappropriately. Here's how to use apatheia to your advantage at work.

The mindset sweet spot:

In emotional intelligence terms, apatheia is seen as an aspect of independence. We  do not want to get so emotionally close to others, so that they can not influence us too much (a condition we call entanglement). On the other hand, we do not want to get away from them to the point where we become uncaring (also known as dissociation).

When we can find the sweet spot between these two states, we are much better able to prevent outside events from impacting whatever we think about. While dissociation may seem like a safe option, how can two dissociated people be collaborative?

When you are in a state of entanglement, you may be very interested in someone else’s behavior, actions, or beliefs, even if they actually have little effect on you. However,  being dissociated will lead to the opposite; that is, you will be completely uncaring about the other person.

Dissociation may seem a safe option when dealing with someone you don't like, but two people who are dissociated are unlikely to cooperate. Also,  if you work in a team, you likely need to collaborate to some degree. If you are in a leadership position, then dissociation is not an option.

Understanding apatheia and independence helps you work effectively with others, and it provides a platform for applying the most important rule of collaboration in the workplace, which is you don't have to like the people with whom you work, but you have to work with them.

Check your emotional responses:

Perhaps someone else has different political opinions from yours, and said things that completely contradict your beliefs. Perhaps the realization that you extremely dislike the person is very important to you.

It happens both as a result of your prior knowledge of them and your experiences with them at work. It is important to approach this issue coolly and realistically, in order to move to the aforementioned acceptable state. After  all, these are just a mass of characteristics and behaviors, just like yours.

Their opposing views on critical subjects, such as politics or religion, can often impact how you think about them. This is purely human nature, and it is difficult to get rid of. However, you can manage your reactions to it.

For example, someone with a political viewpoint opposing yours might say things that strongly contradict your beliefs. Does  that make him a bad person? Of course not. It simply means that he has a different point of view than yours.

Just as your point of view is the product of your experience and psychological formation, so is theirs. Thus, if you want others to respect your views and opinions, you must first respect theirs. It sounds easy, and many would say that's exactly what they do, but we come across many cases where others lack respect for other people's opinions, and this is really common.

Suppose you respect other people's opinions and perspectives, can you see them as productive, innovative and creative team members? If they come up with an idea for a new product or a solution to a problem, can you look at that product or solution objectively without allowing your feelings for them to impact your judgment?

Unfortunately, science says it's very difficult. There is a bias known as "reactive devaluation." In such a situation, we tend to give less or even a negative value to people's ideas or suggestions we don't trust or to tolerate, and the trick here is to manage distrust and dislike or stop them for a while.

Here are nine tips on how to better deal with people you don’t like.

9 tips to work peacefully:

Here are tactics to help you work with coworkers you don’t like:

1. Respect that their experience is what builds their worldview:

Your experience is no better than theirs. Do not make fun of or disrespect their world view, and they will respect yours more. However, in case they do the opposite, see the fifth tip below.

2. Control your ego:

Don't be tempted to think that if they respected you more, things would be different. Be the best person, take the lead, and don't let your ego hold you back.

3. Avoid non-work discussion:

Know that at work, it is possible that neither your nor anyone else's opinions are a necessary part of the daily discourse, so focus on work.

4. See each interaction as a new event:

See things from an objective perspective, and focus on what is closely related to the situation.

5. Ignore more:

If someone says something to you that you find offensive or hateful, do your best to simply ignore it. Keep in mind the principle of apatheia which says what happens on the outside should not affect you on the inside.

6. Keep the big picture in mind:

Your goals should always be positive. Think about relationships that bring you joy, mission completion, and even progress. Recognize that personal differences with those you don’t like are not that important.

If you are in a leadership position, here are some additional tips:

7. Be as flexible as possible with how the work is done:

As long as the work is carried out according to required standards and timetables, give as much space as possible for people to work their own way.

8. Treat everyone on your team with equal care:

The deep relationship between the leader and a specific member of the team generates feelings of resentment among other team members.

9. Don't bring your personal views on non-work related topics into the team:

The team magnifies your opinions because you are the leader. Therefore, differences between your views and your team members’ can cause division, which can lead to the team being divided according to those views or opinions.

If one of your goals is to uplift your organization, you will have the opportunity to work with more people who are likely to have different ideas and perspectives regarding the world and ways of working. The ability to collaborate with a wide variety of people is a good quality of effective leaders, and fortunately, it is easy to develop with practice.